Saturday, September 24, 2011

Bible Buffet

I know this guy has made the rounds, but I love this picture more every time I see it.  He's the tough guy who had Leviticus 18:22 tattooed on his bad self, proving some boss point to the world about how much Yahweh hates the gays and forbids their behavior (this verse is about man lovin', but one must assume that Mr. Awesome and his deity of choice also disapprove of the horizontal lady mambo.  Maybe he'll get the bad girl verses on the other shoulder). 

The joke, of course, is that barely over a chapter later in Leviticus 19:28, the same God also forbids tattoos.*  Cool guy bellied up to the Bible buffet, and chose the rule with which he agrees, and disregarded the one with which he does not. 

In other words, he is just like every other religious person, because picking and choosing from the buffet is what every modern person of faith must do. 

The Bible says I can't get a tattoo, but if I don't, how will the world know how I feel about gays?  So, you get one.

The Bible says that people who behave abnormally have spirits in them that can be cast into pigs, which will subsequently drown themselves, thereby subduing the spirits.  But we know that they are simply mentally ill, and may be helped with medication and counsel.

The Bible says that if I have enough faith, I can say to a mountain, "Move over, Rover," and it will.  But I know this isn't true, so if I want to erect that statue of Jillian Michaels in my backyard (GAY!), I will have to rent a backhoe. 

So, belly up to the Bible (or other holy book of choice) buffet.  The ones who don't, and take the whole thing seriously, are the FLDS who live on compounds and dress like the cast of Little House on the Prairie.  They are the Hasidic Jews wearing phylacteries and who have side curls down to their hip bones.  They are the turbaned, bearded, berobed Muslims (who, paranthetically, look more like Jesus probably did than the blue-eyed European guy we know from the paintings).  Fundamentalists from every religion seem so hard-core, because they take their religion literally.  They are not kidding when they say they believe. 

A fundamentalist is a religion's natural conclusion, its masterpiece.  Everyone else just picks and chooses.  Thank goodness.

So, well done, tattoo guy.  If I ever see you (I hope not) I will yell, "THANKS FOR PROVING MY POINT, ASSHOLE!" and "ANTI-GAY EPITHETS TATTOOED ON YOUR BODY USUALLY MEAN YOU ARE ABOUT A THOUSAND PERCENT GAY YOURSELF, EXCEPT THE GAYS I KNOW AREN'T DOUCHEBAGS!"

And then I will run like hell.



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*I have heard some conservative Christians deal with this tattoo issue by saying that these instructions were for the Levites only, the tribe set apart in the Hebrew nation to serve as priests.  However, when asked if it was also only the Levites who couldn't be homosexual, the "it's ok" rule doesn't carry over.

2 comments:

  1. What irks me about fundamentalist Christians is how they cherry-pick Bible passages, as the guy with the tattoo seems to have done. When they find a passage they agree with, they defend it as God's will. When they encounter a passage in the Old Testament they dislike, the usual response is, "Oh, that's old covenant. We have a new covenant now."

    Annoying.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi, Ahab. I totally agree. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason other than what fits their feelings or agenda.

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

    ReplyDelete

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